Is Monogamy an Outdated Concept?

My initial response upon reading this story in The New York Times about monogamy in gay relationships was to wonder whether or not this was research to substantiate a long-held stereotype regarding promiscuity, particularly about gay men. And I've been around the block enough times to know two things about research 1) many subjects will tell you what they think you want to hear, and 2) a researcher can find research (even among numbers) to substantiate his or her initial hypothesis.

But upon looking at a post on Facebook from a friend and looking at the responses he received, the jury was split. Many think that monogamy is an outdated and unrealistic goal for marriage, while others believe it to be a cornerstone of a functional relationship.

Then upon re-reading the article, I changed my frame of thinking. I think the central issue here is the idea that culturally, we equate sex with love rather than as something carnal. Most people have at one point or another had sex with someone they don't love (and in some cases don't really even know). So, if we can have these carnal expressions and have them be no big deal, then why is monogamy such a cornerstone of long term committed relationships?

The chief researcher, Colleen Hoff, a psychologist and director of The Center for Research on Gender and Sexuality at San Francisco State University makes the distinction that, "with straight people, it’s called affairs or cheating,but with gay people it does not have such negative connotations.”

I think the takeaway is that as we hear people saying that marriage needs to be strengthened (by excluding gay men and women from the institution), what perhaps needs to happen is a reexamination of what the institution really means in modern times.

As Joe Quirk, author of the best-selling relationship book, "It's Not You, It's Biology" says "In 1900, the average life span for a U.S. citizen was 47. Now we’re living so much longer, ‘until death do us part’ is twice as challenging."