Why Asking "Why Can't 'Successful' Black Women Find Good Men?" is a Stupid Question

Why can't "successful" black women find a "good" man? It seems to be a controversial and thought-provoking question on the surface. But when examined more closely, it's a question that is bound up in heteronormative, reproductionist and sanguinuptial notions about men and women and family.  First, it is heteronormative in that it assumes that the role of women (and men) is to couple through the bonds of the socially constructed institution of marriage.  It also presupposes that women want or need to be married.  As if there is something wrong with women who either chose not or are not "honored" with having a man ask them to be married.  The whole premise assumes that for these black women, there is a problem because they can not find suitable mates.  And while it may be true that some women bemoan the unavailability of "good" men (often anecdotally blaming gay men and incarcerated black men), there are other women who are financially secure, have fantastic friends and as such, don't worry about finding a "good" man.



Before I dig any deeper, we have to also unpack this notion of "successful" women and "good" men.  And the preposterous nature of being able to define either term in a way that is universally useful to us all.  To be deemed a successful black woman, what does one have to do? Is it defined by having an education?  Is it defined by a certain annual income? And further more, who or what is/are the entity(ies) that defines that success?  What makes a "good" black man?  Is it his education level? Is it the car he drives? Is it that he is a provider for his family? And again, who gets to define these terms?  When talking about "good black men" (irrespective of his relation to "successful" black women) does that exclude gay black men?  If so, why is the notion of a "good black man" tied up in heteronormative notions of sexuality?  In short, the notion of a successful black woman being unable to find a good black man is, on its face, pretty ridiculous because it's not a term that can easily be defined in a way that is universally understood by one and all.

But what we also have to understand and dissect is that while most everyone wants a partner with whom they can go through life, it, I believe, sets up the idea that a woman's worth is defined by her ability to get a man (See Disney Princesses).  In many ways, we negate a woman's success because she is unable to find a man. 

Consider the website Highway to Husband where two "successful black women" have quit their jobs and are embarking on a cross country road trip in pursuit of a husband.  Certainly there is likely some degree of publicity factor here, as well as perhaps the desire to write a relationship book, etc., but the idea that this is a plausible publicity stunt is startling.  The message it sends is that having a man is so important, that you must be willing to do whatever you have to in order to get one. 

And with few exceptions, media, particularly movies, reinforce this idea.  The film Just Wright, starring Queen Latifah is a notable exception and surprising in that the "material girl" whose sole purpose in life is to land a basketball player husband doesn't actually land him in the end -- it's the physical therapist who gets the man in the end.  Interestingly, the director, Sanaa Hamri also directed Something New, which deals with the successful black woman looking for love, which in this case, leads her to a reluctant relationship with a white man (which is a discussion for another post).  But in most cases, the men choose and the woman is just happy to have been chosen because as womanness is socially constructed, a woman is nothing without a man.